In Quiet
Few weeks ago a cold passed through our family. Lorelai got it first, and the worst. We were (thankfully) so out of practice trudging through sickness, and when I asked L how she was feeling throughout the hardest day she said, “I’m a little bit bad.”
A little bit bad! It was so sad and sweet, and has been picked up as a gentle way of saying “ugh, today is hard” between Guy and me ever since.
Today, Guy arranged for L to hang at her grandparents’ for awhile so I could have some peace and get some work done. I can’t remember the last time I had a day at home alone by myself, and my mind began racing to all the things I could accomplish the moment the house fell quiet. I made a list of small, achievable tasks, thinking I’d get to a few of them. Thinking “not all of them” was a reasonable expectation.
Well, I didn’t do any of them. At some point I considered writing down what I was currently doing so I could have the satisfaction of checking it off...but I didn’t do that either. I didn’t even do the unspoken, undocumented things that I felt sure today would hold: I didn’t make a point to enjoy the weather. I didn’t take some time for intentional rest. I didn’t get much work done, or any, really. I don’t know what I did. I didn’t scroll the day away on social media, so at least there’s that.
I did step out on the front porch to check the mail. One piece of outgoing mail was taken & one piece was delivered. That felt kind of satisfying. It was even a good, meaningful piece of mail, not junk! I took a nice, big breath on the front porch. I realized that checking the mail is something that brings me joy — a moment to step out and look around and then duck back in. A moment when life is happening on our front porch. I check the mail obsessively, actually. Maybe I’ll catch the carrier and get to say hi & thank them. Maybe I’ll get to wave to a neighbor across the street or see a car I don’t recognize parked out front, wonder who has a visitor. I check the mail again and again, even after the mail has arrived and been brought in (by me). I love to announce when Guy got a package. I love to see what’s in it, even if it’s not for me.
Today, I don’t know what I did, kind of nothing, and that feels a little bit bad. I thought about all this stuff on the front porch when I checked the mail. I thought maybe I’d document myself in a moment of thought, because those moments are where I’ve been living through a lot of this pregnancy. I propped my phone on the yellow mailbox I setup for non-mail deliveries; for little things to and from neighbors. It immediately crashed to the ground and completely destroyed a corner of my screen. I tried again. Here’s what I got (above).
Post-script: I feel so good in this dress my Aunt Lexy made for me (with a matching one for Lorelai and a handmade doll, which L named Lu, also in a matching dress!!!!!). Today I ate a roasted veggie sandwich for lunch and the very first bite came tumbling down onto my chest, giving me an Italian-food-colored stain, the whole scenario one that I witnessed my beloved late grandmother enact endless times, and I felt her here with me just “oh well”ing through the hard days with a smile. So that was today’s bit of magic.
